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By: Parker Cuthbertson
My name is Parker Cuthbertson, and I took a gap year from competing in rowing during the 2022-2023 season, which was supposed to be my 4th and final year at UVA. Was I traveling the world? Did I start a business? No, I spent the year treating an eating disorder that's been in and out of the picture for almost half my life.
"It is strange, but true, that the most important turning-points of life often come at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected ways." Napoleon Hill.
Let's take a step back; I'm not writing to unleash my trauma or complain about the ins and outs of the treatment process; if anything, my goal is to give the least amount of attention to disordered eating habits as possible. I don't think it's beneficial for anyone to perpetuate toxic behaviors. I take issue with glamorizing eating disorders. I am the first one to point out negative body talk or shut down conversations that shame certain eating habits. But that doesn't mean I believe there isn't value in discussion of the topic of eating disorders as a whole.
While I might be unique in the experience of needing to go into an intensive program, I know from my experience as a student-athlete and young person that my disordered eating habits were by no means unpopular. Some things have been incredibly normalized in our society. When was the last time someone commented negatively on your body or eating habits? Undoubtedly, something is happening in the culture that is contributing to this problem. Learning is just as crucial as unlearning. The solution isn't going to come in simply making treatment more widespread or everyone learning more about nutrition. Those are bandaids to a much broader problem.
Treatment was the right call for me. However, it would be naive to say that treatment is an individual process or attribute my success to one thing or another. I did hours of DBT therapy, group therapy, art therapy, nutritional talks, journaling, "mindfulness" practices like yoga or meditation, and various other more specialized activities. Still, I wouldn't say one activity or another was my saving grace. Recovery wasn't just a decision I made one day; it was a conscious movement in a specific direction. True recovery couldn’t have come without allowing myself to be vulnerable, questioning the validity of the narrative I had written for myself, and not measuring my worth in trivial things.
The actual transformation required ridding myself of the chains that disordered eating had on me. I've had disordered eating habits throughout the entirety of my rowing career and much of my adolescence. Yet, as soon as I walked into that treatment center and was prevented from engaging in disordered behaviors, something changed in me. I didn't decide to stop; that conclusion came later. Making it through those first days and weeks, where the desire to engage in disordered behaviors was still strong, preventative measures made all the difference. I had to face the reality that those behaviors didn't serve me; they were a coping mechanism for more profound issues. It's a similar explanation for most vices.
You rely on behavior, make it a habit, and eventually, it becomes an addiction.
Ignoring the consequences of my eating disorder was foolish, but I became good at it. I was blinded by pride. It saddens me tremendously to think back on the way I treated myself and the way I treated those around me as a consequence. The horrible lies I would spew. The amount of control I felt I needed. The false narrative of me being the "exception." That somehow, the negative behaviors I engaged in were justified because I was "succeeding" in one way or another. That somehow I was spared from the negativity, and if I put on a fake smile, it was all ok. Even if I played into that delusion and conceited that somehow my obsessive and disordered behaviors played a part in my successes, None of my accomplishments were worth it.
"Make no mistake about it. Bad habits are called 'bad' for a reason. They kill our productivity and creativity. They slow us down. They hold us back from achieving our goals. And they're detrimental to our health." John Rampton
I can tell you from my own experience in treatment that often my peers' problems didn't lie simply in the fact that they had eating disorders. The treatment process was much more about addressing trauma than addiction. Sure, stopping the behavior is essential, but that won't be sustained without addressing the issues that led to developing eating disorders in the first place. The disorder comes from many origins. The reasons were all over the map, but they often rooted back to an inescapable wrong in each individual's life. The disorder could act as a coping mechanism or even a means to survival.
Something that troubles me to this day is my connections to peers in treatment who are putting in tremendous amounts of effort and haven't yet cracked the code. My knowledge of relapse rates tells me that recovery is a winding road, with lots of stops and starts, and sadly not everyone will have a successful journey. But it's important to note that success takes time to earn and define.
Success for me is getting out of bed one day and climbing a mountain the next. It's not about achievement; it's about sustained effort.
I could go the rest of my life without relapse and still be unsuccessful. I could remain chained to the negativity that surrounded my disorder. True success for me is prioritizing compassion, seeking truth, embracing hardships, fostering forgiveness, and unwavering dedication. Success is often deconstructed into a myriad of things, but it is ultimately about staying the course and holding true in the vast sea of complexity that we call life.
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